


Passionfruit

by SkepticOrange



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Make Up, idek fuck, its cute read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 14:57:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12435189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkepticOrange/pseuds/SkepticOrange
Summary: Seungkwan frequently remembers the way Vernon's eyes had looked so gentle he almost drowned in them; the night Vernon sat him down and ended them with a whisper.





	Passionfruit

**Author's Note:**

> Put Drake’s Passionfruit on repeat.

Seungkwan frequently remembers the way Vernon's eyes had looked so gentle he almost drowned in them; the night Vernon sat him down and ended them with a whisper. Despite his better judgement, he wonders if things would be different if he was a worse actor. Perhaps, if his token smile hadn't jumped to his lips before he’d even had a second to process, perhaps if he hadn't nodded like he wasn't numb and freezing, it might've changed something.

But Vernon ended them, thinking of how debuting while in a budding relationship would affect them, and Seungkwan nodded along like a fool, promising they'd go back to what they were.

The worst part was that they did. They have never been better friends; they're so normal Seungkwan occasionally wonders if he dreamed up their short-lived relationship. But the way Vernon had avoided eye contact and Seungkwan in general that first week after everything reminds him that it happened. He knows it happened because he put in every bit of effort he had into pretending it hadn't, if only so that he didn't lose Vernon in the aftermath.

They've debuted now and they're well-loved, to be honest. Seungkwan has time to notice how properly fucked he is these days, when Vernon laughs, smiles, exists...

Now that they've settled into the fast-paced life of successful idols, Seungkwan can imagine how Vernon would fit in his life romantically, the way his hand had fit perfectly over his. He can imagine Vernon's lips pressed clumsily against his, pulled tight in a grin as they tried to breathe the post-concert adrenaline out of themselves and into each other. There's a lot Seungkwan can see working now that he doesn't have the chance to make it happen.

Because here, in this moment, with Vernon's head resting on his lap as they watched some movie Seungkwan had yet to pay attention to, he knows he won't do anything. He likes where they are now. It's not comfortable, really- it still feels like he's ripping his heart to shreds and braiding the pieces, but that's more acceptable than breaking what they have. It's doable. Seungkwan can work with doable.

Vernon snuffles and turns over, burying his face into Seungkwan's stomach, and Seungkwan reminds himself once more that this is what friendship is. He reminds himself firmly, but neither his heart nor his brain listen, so he does the next best thing and shoves Vernon entirely off the couch, if only to preserve his sanity.

"Fucking- what the hell?" Vernon yells, rightfully offended, and Seungkwan pulls up his brightest smile as he says,  
"Your heavy head is making my legs go numb; if you want to sleep, go to your room."

Vernon stands, scratching his stomach as he grumbles, "I was just getting comfortable..."  
but he takes Seungkwan’s advice and heads away from the living room regardless.

Seungkwan feels the smile slip from his lips like water and he tries to distract himself by finally watching the movie, though it was almost over at this point. After a few minutes, he gives up and turns the TV off, heading to bed himself.

They have a schedule the next day because they always do. It’s busier though, because they’re preparing for the next comeback. Seungkwan enjoys the lack of downtime. No downtime meant no time to think or talk or do anything but move where and how he was told to. 

No downtime meant, aside from some stellar shuffling to make sure he was never beside Vernon in the van, his purposeful avoidance of his friend just seemed like bad luck. 

.

“Why are you avoiding me now?” Vernon says, and he sounds more offended that Seungkwan waited two months to feel awkward enough to distance himself than at the distance itself.

“I don’t know,” says Seungkwan, and he can’t tell if the bitterness at the back of his tongue is because he just woke up or the aftertaste of his own lie.

Vernon stares at him, the way he did when they were still intertwined fingers and giddy giggles, the way that never failed to reach into Seungkwan’s throat and yank the stubborn words free. But they weren’t that anymore. That look couldn’t budge a letter, much less a word from Seungkwan, so he stares back, helpless.

Vernon seems at a loss when Seungkwan does not begin to speak and he averts his gaze. Seungkwan feels more like he’s broken something in this moment than he did when Vernon ended them. 

“I miss you.” 

Vernon whispers it like a secret and that can’t be enough. Seungkwan isn’t a secret and he can’t redo a relationship that will end as silently as a supernova. So he nods, agreeing, but says nothing else. Vernon seems to understand, despite how much they haven’t said, and Seungkwan takes a moment to appreciate how well they fit, even when they can’t find all their respective pieces.

The smile Vernon gives Seungkwan before he leaves the room looks as brittle as shattered glass. Seungkwan buries himself back under the covers and pretends he didn’t put it there.

.

“You two are weird lately.”

Seungkwan loves Seungcheol, but this is not a conversation he plans on having with any of the group, much less the leader.

“Who?” He asks instead of answering, because he’s not quite sure how to get out of this talk just yet.  
Seungcheol looks at Seungkwan and his eyes manage to judge and absolve him simultaneously. Seungkwan thinks it might be a leader thing. It works.

Seungkwan sighs and tries again, “We’re just trying to do less together.”

Seungcheol calls his bullshit without saying a word again and Seungkwan wonders why he tried to begin with.

He’s still not ready to put it into words though, so he says, “we’ll be okay. We just need a bit of time to figure some things out.”

Seungcheol seems placated by this answer, or maybe just realizes Seungkwan will not be less vague, and he nods, simply sitting with Seungkwan and the silence for a minute.

Time passes and Seungcheol stands, murmurs, “come back inside, Seungkwan,” before leaving the porch.

Seungkwan doesn’t answer because there was no question, but he waits another five minutes before he listens to indulge some petty part of himself.

.

“I’m sorry.”

Seungkwan looks at Vernon as though he’s grown a second head. It has been five months and three days since Vernon ended them. It has been three months since Seungkwan distanced himself as gently as he could. He can still see the frayed edges where he tore himself free.

“Me too,” he says, because he is and he never meant to leave to many loose threads. 

He’s not quite sure what they’re apologizing for, he doesn’t think Vernon is either, but everything seems like a good place to start.

.

They are more, now that they are less. There are more words in their silences than there used to be; words in a million languages that Seungkwan doesn’t know, but tries to understand anyway. They are careful with each other, wary, but hide it under smiles and laughs and jokes.

When they are alone, there is a distance that wasn’t there before. A physical barrier they won’t cross, a mental barrier they can’t cross. Seungkwan is intimately aware of the way ‘sorry’ fixes nothing.

.

“If I said I still-,” Vernon sighs, runs a hand through his hair, and tries again, “if I wanted to go back to us. What... what would you do?”

Seungkwan doesn’t like this question. It feels like tiny push pins slowly covering his skin in pinpricks, itchy and painful.

Seungkwan loves Vernon. He loves him so much that the force of it grinds his teeth together and forces the air from his lungs. Loving Vernon isn’t a pleasant experience and hasn’t been one for a long time. Long enough for Seungkwan to be familiar with the ins and outs of it. Of Vernon not feeling the same.

So he answers honestly, “I don’t know.”

And Vernon nods, because Seungkwan said much more than that. He does not ask if Seungkwan still loves him, because there is no iteration of reality where Seungkwan does not, but he doesn’t try to sew them back together either.

That silence screams down Seungkwan’s neck and wraps around it violently. His throat is dry as sand when he decides to be vulnerable, just once more:

“If I wanted to start over. If- if I wanted to try but just not. Not right now-“

“In a heartbeat,” Vernon says, and a sigh of relief explodes from Seungkwan’s lips. He thinks some part of them has been repaired, but he can’t quite feel it past his smile.

.

“I can’t do this again, Vernon,” Seungkwan says, and that part is true, “if you run again, I won’t take you back. At all.”

Vernon doesn’t believe him. Seungkwan doesn’t believe himself, because there’s never been a possibility of Vernon not having Seungkwan’s forgiveness and understanding. Vernon takes his words seriously though, because it matters more that Seungkwan said it. Because it’s more important that Seungkwan wants to want to mean it.

“I won’t, Kwannie,” Vernon says. The nickname always made Seungkwan smile and that is what Vernon wants to see right now. What he needs as a reminder to wait. Seungkwan does not smile, but he inclines his head, ever so slightly, the way he did when he was listening intently, and that was enough.

.

Minghao and Jun are busy making magic through movements too complicated to mimic. Seungkwan knows this because he’s tried to. Several times. As though he could copy their choreography right into his own unit. 

Pledis is careful with them, Seungkwan understands that. They are thirteen members strong, three units, one group... and now, one subunit. It’s a lot. They have to be careful about adding new units, have to be considerate of newer fans who may be discouraged by their complexities.

But Seungkwan can taste what being in a unit with Vernon would feel like on his tongue. It’s pop rocks that sink below his skin, into his veins, and send his heart on a race to somewhere jittery and golden. He wants it badly. Wants to be a team, an ‘us,’ again. 

So he asks and is unsurprised when he’s rejected. But he pesters then, because there isn’t a conceivable way he could accept a ‘no’ on this. This was a tether, a line of stitches reattaching Vernon to him and there was nothing and no one who could get him to let that go.

.

“Why are you doing this?”

Seungkwan feels sucker-punched. It was never supposed to put this look on Vernon’s face, never supposed to make him sound like that. It was supposed to be a surprise. A good one.

“Seungkwan,” Vernon says, just this side of harsh, “I’m trying to be patient, to wait for you, and this just makes it harder on me-“

“Harder for you?” Seungkwan hisses, and the words drip with bitterness so potent Seungkwan almost looks around for the source. He hadn’t realized it biding and growing beneath his skin. But expelling that little bit of fury felt like a million suns snuggling just beneath his chest. 

He met Vernon’s eyes, noting that he looked just as surprised as Seungkwan had felt, and he let the dam break.

“I spent months indulging you because you wanted to run. I made sure we stayed the same, close as ever, because you wanted it. But I can’t so much as want to spend time with you without being a chore? Tell me, Vernon, when did you get so selfish? When did I become a burden to y-“

He stops, not because Vernon wraps his arms around him and holds on tight, but because, if these were the words floating in their silences, he doesn’t want to say any of them. The feelings are there. Seungkwan is bitter and tired and confused. But he loves Vernon as he always has. 

Words designed to rip and burn them both are poised at the tip of his tongue, so perfectly cruel that it almost seems like a shame not to say them. But the anger has calmed and Seungkwan wants nothing more than to snatch the words from Vernon’s ears and box them away where they should’ve have been in the first place.

He feels his heart shudder as it tries to decide whether to rise in elation in Vernon’s arms or sink as Seungkwan accepts that they will not have a unit.

.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s not really Vernon’s fault this time, but Seungkwan indulges himself and says, “aren’t you always?” 

It sounds just as nasty out loud as it did in his head, so he follows it up with a laugh and a teasing smile. It’s just a second too late to completely smooth the words away, but Vernon returns the smile.

“Alright, smartass, I’m trying to be sympathetic. It sucks that they wouldn’t listen to you.”

Seungkwan shrugs as though it doesn’t matter because a part of him is aware that, if he can’t tie Vernon to himself like this, he’ll find a different way.

“It’s fine. I’ll keep trying anyway, just not as often.”

“Why did you want to be a unit so bad?”

Seungkwan doesn’t answer because they both know. They understand each each other well. Vernon knows that Seungkwan is selfish, jealous, and possessive in the least assuming way. He’ll work himself to the bone to glue the people he loves to himself and hold on until his knuckles crumble to dust. Seungkwan knows Vernon is slippery, changeable, and wily. He accepts being held but does not bask in it. He slips away before anyone notices he’s gone.

They don’t acknowledge this part of each other. There is no way to clash if it’s never brought up, and it’s always been a fight waiting to happen. Vernon knows Seungkwan needs more, needs a way to know he can’t run this time. Seungkwan knows Vernon needs to be able to see an escape route at all times.

Seungkwan almost breaks them again, almost says it the way it sounds inside his head. Pounding on the seam of his lips are the words: “I would nail you down, if I could, like a butterfly in a collection. If I could, I would take you to some place no one has touched and trap you there, where no one will touch. Any way I can make you more mine than any one else’s is a solution to every question I’ve ever wanted to ask.”

But these words don’t fit Seungkwan. And Seungkwan should be smiling. So he does, and says, “I would go solo but I can get even more attention if I put your face on things.”

Vernon laughs and says, “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Seungkwan doesn’t know if it was, to be honest, but he’s okay with that in this moment, when they seem entirely healed for a split second.

.

“Most problems on earth can be fixed with sex,” Jeonghan says decisively, with no context, when only he and Seungkwan are left at the breakfast table.

It’s a very Jeonghan thing to blurt out of nowhere, so Seungkwan sees no reason to respond. Jeonghan can continue with or without help though, “Sad sex, angry sex, giggly sex, even ‘I wish we talked using sex less even though it works,’ sex.”

Seungkwan sighs, mutters, “thank you for the useless trivia knowledge, Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan pays him an offended glare and says, “it’s not useless; you’ve been acting heartbroken for... for so long I don’t even remember when it started! I’m just offering solutions.”

“I’m touched by your concern,” Seungkwan says dryly.

“You’re not touched though,” Jeonghan sounds exasperated, as though Seungkwan is the unreasonable one, “that’s the whole problem here; keep up!”

Seungkwan mourns the rest of his omelet as he stands to throw it away; Jeonghan is the only member who can make escape seem more important than food.

“I think I’ll go lay down a bit longer, I’m still a bit tired.”

Jeonghan shakes his head and tuts disapprovingly, “I’m just saying, there are better reasons to be tired.”

Seungkwan is sure he’d laugh at Jeonghan’s antics if it wasn’t so early and the schedule wasn’t so rough, but it is, so he is silent as he leaves.

.

“Do you ever think about leaving the group?”

Seungkwan doesn’t. Vernon leaves. Seungkwan holds on. But Soonyoung has always been his own person. There’s no set course of action for him; he does as he pleases. The question still catches Seungkwan off guard though, and he looks at Soonyoung for a long moment before answering, “do you?”

Soonyoung smiles lightly and nods, “as often as I think I’ll never leave. It’s a balance, for me.”

“I don’t. Not really. At most I’d want to be like some of the older groups; we can all do our own thing but we never disband.”

Soonyoung’s smile takes a wry turn and he says, “I suppose I should’ve expected that from you. You’re surprisingly big on chosen family.”

“Isn’t that what we are for you?”

Soonyoung purses his lips as he thinks, then replies, “hmm... no, not really. You’re family to me, but you’re friends. It’s different, somehow. But I don’t think I’d want to be with family all the time either.”

Seungkwan falls back, looking up to the ceiling of the practice room, and murmurs, “Why?”

“Why am I asking or why wouldn’t I want to be around family all the time?”

“Both.”

“Greedy. Pick one.”

Seungkwan opens his eyes to glare at Soonyoung for a moment, then turns his head away, refusing to answer. Soonyoung laughs.

“Alright then, I’ll choose. I wouldn’t want to be around family all the time because I want to experience things on my own. Being surrounded by people is nice, but I enjoy being by myself just as much, if not more.”

Seungkwan nods, even though he doesn’t really understand, and says, “why’d you ask?”

Soonyoung laughs again, “I guess it’s fair to answer since you didn’t ask before: you don’t look like you want to be here the way you did before. You had a desperation when we debuted. You look tired now; bored, even.”

“I am tired,” Seungkwan admits readily, “but not of the group. It’s just that there’s not really time for me to bounce back while we prepare.”

Soonyoung nods with a smile, pokes Seungkwan in the side, and dodges the retaliating kick.

“You’ll be alright,” he says, “We all will.” 

He ruffles Seungkwan’s sweaty hair before rejoining the others to practice. Seungkwan stares at the ceiling for a few more minutes before he does the same, somehow feeling a bit lighter.

.

“Seungcheol said Joshua said Jeonghan said you’re sexually frustrated,” Chan says, when Seungkwan is doing his best to beat him at Mario Party.

Seungkwan chokes on thin air, slaps the controller from Chan’s hands, and exclaims, “Tell all three of them to take better care of their children! You’re an innocent baby for fuck’s sake!”

Chan looks unimpressed, “you know, I learned to swear because of you.”

Seungkwan rears back, doubly offended, “lies and slander! Now you go tell your mom, dad, and his mistress to watch their filthy mouths!”

Chan laughs and stands, “Alright, I’ll be nice and leave, since you were losing anyway.”

Seungkwan snorts but doesn’t bother responding and looks for a solo game to play. A minute later, he hears footsteps running back to the living room hurriedly. He looks at Chan curiously, one eyebrow raised in question.

“Wait,” Chan says, slightly out of breath, “Which one is which? Who’s the mistress?”

Seungkwan laughs.

.

Seungkwan looks up as Vernon pushes into the room, sitting on his bed silently. He places his book down beside himself, and waits.

Minutes later, Vernon says, “you seem happier,” and he sounds lost.

Seungkwan understands, so he says, “I am.”

Vernon looks discouraged by this, by the fact that Seungkwan is happier when Vernon is less involved with him, so Seungkwan clarifies, “the preparations are finally finished. We’re ready.”

Vernon meets Seungkwan’s eyes and smiles, uncertain, but a bit placated, and says, “yeah, it was rough, but I do actually think we’re ready to do this. I can’t wait for the first show.”

Seungkwan smiles gently and shakes his head, “No, Vernon. We’re ready. Us. Not Seventeen.”

Vernon just stares at Seungkwan blankly, so Seungkwan clarifies again, “well, I suppose it’s more that I’m ready. If you still want to do this, I mean-“

Vernon cuts him off by smashing his lips to Seungkwan’s all at once, and it hurts more than a kiss should. That is okay though, because it is less of a kiss and more of an acceptance, so Seungkwan smiles into it.

When Vernon pulls away, Seungkwan touches his lips cautiously, still smiling, and says, “I didn’t get to ask if you’d date me, but I’ll take that as a yes if you don’t break my face the next time you try to kiss me.”

Vernon grins, sheepishly, and apologizes. But he is smiling and Seungkwan is smiling and nothing is fixed but something has healed.

.

Seungkwan is surprised when Vernon lays directly on him during group movie night. He is somewhat elated, but no amount of love can hold back his grumble of, “I didn’t call dibs on this couch just to be used as one.”

Vernon shrugs, his weight crushing Seungkwan for a moment before he pushes up to look down at Seungkwan and says, “you love me, so it’s okay, right?”

And it isn’t okay, because Seungkwan spent half an hour kicking and shoving everyone else off this couch, but he can’t help but nod anyway.

Vernon smiles, “I love you too, Kwannie.”

Seungkwan almost basks in those words, almost lets them wash over him, but the moment is ruined by Jeonghan and Chan’s retching noises.

Seungkwan glares at Jeonghan, because Chan can’t be blamed for his upbringing, and sneers, “this is why your husband has another woman.”

Jeonghan looks comically offended and his theatrics prompt Chan to play along as he says, “I thought Joshua was mom and Jeonghan was the other woman?”

Jeonghan’s offended expression gains a world of hurt as he turns to Chan and Seungkwan smiles as they bicker, wrapping his arms around Vernon and settling in for the movie.

**Author's Note:**

> The timeline is fucked because I does what I pleases.


End file.
